I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
