I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
