Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
