turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
