Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
