oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
