we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
