sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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