it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
