The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
