Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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