so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
