I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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