Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
