You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
