Will you blow on my dice?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
