I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
