everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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