I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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