I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
