I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
