My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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