I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
