I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
