i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
