I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
