I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
