Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
