thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
