so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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