I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
