how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
