she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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