i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
