The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just want to make out with him forever
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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