there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
