it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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