just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Randomize
