i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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