Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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