kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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