my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
