am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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