remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
