you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I believe in your delicious
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
