She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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