I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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