wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
