I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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