i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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