so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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