his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
