Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
