at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
