She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
