moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
